Wobbly Cry
My Matias is 3 years old today! He is a little person who changed my life in a big way...
I have never told his birth story on this here blog (what kind of mom blogger am I) I thought it would be a nice gift to myself to remember that day and get it out in the open, all the gore, sweat, and tears that ended in a baby that had the funniest cry at birth.
The begining:
I came home from Mississippi and there was my handsome fiancee standing with flowers. He was wearing a courdy sport jacket and his hair was 3 times longer than it had been when I left. After seeing boys with fresh from basic training buzz cuts, his look was a refreshing changed and I hugged him and fell right back in love...
39.5 weeks later:
My parents are dropping my husband and I off at the hospital. I have a scheduled induction because, of the blood thinners that I am on during pregnancy. I am so nervous, talking 40 miles a mintue. I look at my mom and feel so scared. In my deepest parts of my brain I am thinking...How am I supposed to do this? I can not be a mom, lets just keep this baby inside. We have a crib, diapers and clothing all waiting at home. We have taken the classes and just want to see how everything goes, to see if I will need the pain meds. Secertly I am hoping I can make it...
We check in and get settled in our room. The nurse offers me some ambien...I take it and pass out.
We wake up the next morning and I am woozy. I note to myself never to take ambien again. The nurse offers me the opportunity to take a shower, I seize it in hopes to become less groggy. She says "once you get back we will get things going" AJKHUIYHBJKGJHGYWGIOJDS!!! I come back from the shower, the anatheolgist comes in and states that they are not going to be able to give me an epidural. This is after the pitocen is started so there is no turning back or no hope of an epidural.
I sit on the rocking chair for most of the morning after they break my water about nine. Luis hangs out with me, staying out of the way. We close the blinds in the room and turn off the lights. Rocking continues contractions start to get worse. I ask the nurse if I can get into the shower, she checks with the Doctor if I can be off the monitor. They check me I am at a 4 at 11:30 am. I head to the shower, my mom comes in and lets Luis go get some lunch, he walks me to the shower and waits. Contractions start getting worse and walk back to the room. I continue rock and breathing. Shift change happens and I get a new nurse Jan and a new Dr Dylanko. (Who was out of the 14 doctors in the group the one I wanted to deliver the baby). I relax a little, but the contractions do not. They hit me wave after wave. Luis is back now, I am on the bed and they are checking me...
Nurse Jan exclaims 6!!!
I exclaim bah!!!
I walk to the shower, Luis is being great. I am not. We get to the shower, the pain is intense. It helps but I am dry heaving and that is gross. I am crying and whining. Luis closes the shower curtain on me. (This is the only time in 12 hours he got mad at me). Jan comes and says I have to get out of the shower. I am only allowed to me off the fetal monitor for 30 minutes. I go back to the room and now everything gets a little blurry. Oprah is on, I knew if I made it Oprah, it would be soon. I get on the bed so Jan can check me. I am still a 6. Encouraging words are said. My mom comes in to ask Luis if he wants dinner, they are heading to Cossetta's. (I am pissed...I have not ate all day and want Cossettas). I am on the bed holding on the bed rail. Just trying to get though it contractions. They are coming in waves, and all I can say is owie...owie...owie....
Luis pulls it together and helps me to breath, I feel like I need to push. They call the Doctor. My mom comes in and brings Luis's food in and I yell....get out!!! In retrospect I am so sorry I yelled... the poor woman was just dropping off some food.
I start pushing when the Dr. Arrives, it is not going well. I try a different approach. First the head. Good, everyone says...keep going...keep going. One more push the Dr. says. I do I push with all my might. At 8:11pm with the most wobbly cry every known to man kind, Matias is out in the world. They pop him up on my chest. Luis looks dazed...he cuts the cord. (I ask him later what it felt like and what the placenta looked like too; He said both we oddly cool).
Afterwards, I felt so happy. I had done it!!!!
***
Today, I am at work and then have class. I wonder if the rest of my life on this day I will look at the clock and think about these moments as I am today. Recently as co-worker turned 60, his mother volunteers at our organization. I asked her on his birthday, so do you remember what you were doing...she replies "Oh Lord yes. The pain." I laughed for 5 minutes, I think you never forget.
But more importantly you never forget how much you changed. You can't describe it of course. As for me I thought I never wanted children, they never seemed like a possibility for me. I had closed off my heart to idea that I could be a mom. So when I became one, my heart burst right open and it changed me for the better. From my experience, I have been able to open myself up to many more in my life. I think many times in our life, we close ourselves off to what could be. We grow up, we no longer dream big.
Matias, my wish for you is that you dream big and have an open heart to all of the possibilities of what you life can be...but for now I will settle for you peeing in the toilet and not in a diaper. <3>
